I am sure I am not the only one who is getting excited about the Eastern Conference finals between the Heat and the Pacers. A bit presumptuous but why not go there anyway. Especially if like me you have the ability to look into the future. And let me tell you this. Its going to be a battle of the ages, shakespeare could not have drawn it up anymore dramatic then what we are about to experience this summer. There will be blood, there will be vendettas, it will involve the mafia, and even the president will be called in at one point to bring things back under control. But some things are just too hard to believe unless you saw it with your own eyes. So I will leave out those parts for you to find out for yourselves at the end of May. What I will share with you are some of the key components of this epic battle, meaning those parts that are juicy and interesting yet are still clearly believable to both you and your conscious. Not only will I unveil things that are about to happen I will also reveal stuff that has happened in the past that have an impact on this series. But let's find out.
First of all let us talk about Roy Hibbert, though this year he is doing better during the regular season than last year, it is still not like anything he did during the play-offs last year. Not many people know why this is and those that are in the know have vowed secrecy with a penalty of 55 whiplashes. These days when we hear the word whiplash we think of car incidents but I am talking about a good old leather whip with nods at the end for good measure. These whiplashes are to be applied by the center himself and he promised he will not be holding back. So my source says.
A little side note regarding my source. Since sharing the news he has moved to Brazil and lives in a small village somewhere in the jungle. This village is so remote there is no connection to the civilized world. That means no phone and no internet. Yeah, think about that for a second. His mother said she received only one letter from him at her home in Bloomington that they used to share until a couple of months ago. She said the letter was sent to her from Calgary Canada with no return of address. And for those who are not of the distant past, letters get stamped by the mail with the name of the city it was send from. It was this letter where I got the information from about my source moving to the Brazil, we can only guess whether it is true or not.
Anyway let us not digress. Whiplashes by the number of 55 is not a random number. 55 is the shirt number of the well regarded NBA center. It also happens to be the number for his private fan base at the Bankers Fieldhouse which is the the Pacers arena. This seating area is called Area 55. Which consists of 55 fans that were carefully picked and selected, only the best can receive these season tickets. For a brief moment there were only 54 members of Area 55. You can probably guess why for a moment there was one 54 members, my source was abruptly cut. The replacement took place rather quickly. My source's best friend was the one to replace him. But to this day he denies to have notified Roy Hibbert of the fact that he knew my source was leaking information.
But more about area 55. Roy Hibbert puts himself through quite the extensive training program every summer and he expects the same from his area 55 members. Though he is more than fair in his judgement here. Everyone has a different learning curve, but he expects everyone to improve and get better. That's how he had to learn to work on his own development in the NBA. Hibbert will never jump like Paul George, so first Hibbert has to learn how to jump before he can start thinking about jumping like PG13. I did not come up with that moniker for Paul George but I will use it because it is good.
But the real news I have for you is about Roy Hibbert and his Area 55 members. During the year he has them train hard and show up for games, but all this is just in preparation for the play-offs. The lucky thing for Roy is it also happens to be summertime and most members of Area 55 are enjoying their summer holidays. During the play-offs he has them do everything for him. Nothing is too crazy. For example, if he is too amped-up still from the game and he can't get himself to fall asleep he'll send out a quick text. Even if it is two in the morning one of the members of area 55 will be on call and have to go over to Hibbert's house to go read him a bed time story. If Hibbert runs out of his favorite gum right before the game the area 55 member on call will have to race across town to go to this one particular store to go get the gum. And of course for every game someone has to run to the hardware store to get some rim protectors for him because that's his specialty.
Roy Hibbert is a pretty good organizer and he is able to run a pretty tight ship. But non the less mistakes happen. One such mistake happened during last years eastern conference finals. The night our ever so kind Indiana Pacers center flipped his lit and used some not so carefully chosen words to wards the press during the press conference. What was it again $75.000 it cost him for his profanity spewing actions. Yikes! Glad it wasn't mean coughing that up.
Well let me tell ya. I have the dirt on what happened that night. It was that night one of the area 55 crew made a little mistake. How was the 55er to know? He's a single guy you can't give him a hard time about something like that? He was in charge of packing Roy Hibberts bag and so he needed to make sure there were some clean clothes in there for the center. He did a good job everything was there. Roy laid out all the clean clothes after the game before he went to go take a shower. They had played well and he was in a good mood joking around with the other players. Some of the guys tried to come up with some good jokes to get back at him but that night Roy Hibbert was on top of his game. he basically blocked every joke that came his way like it was Carmelo coming to the rim.
Roy went back to his corner and dried himself of, he dropped the towel and reached for his needly folded undies. But to his dismay it turned out it was his girlfriends undies and not his own. For a moment he blinked not knowing what to do. He might be 7 foot 2 but in the locker room no one is safe. If any of his team mates figured out what was going on and yell something about it the whole locker-room would be quiet in a split second and everyone would look over to see what was going on. The abuse he could get for a situation like this would be off the chart. And you would not be able to guarantee him that he could ever rid himself of this incident.
Roy knew this and so he decided to act fast. He put on his girls undies as fast as he could and almost lost his balance as he reached for his pants so he could cover up the evidence of this unfortunate event. He quickly regained his balance without flailing too much. The last thing he wanted now was attention. His pants slid on smoothly and once he got them pulled over his hips he let out a deep sigh as he sat back down. David West who sits next to him in the locker room looked over and asked him with a face that looked a lot like his game face, "You all right?"
Roy made sure to answer quickly, maybe even a little too quick, "Yeah, good game, D west!" David West responded by saying, "Good game!" and gave hime a fist bump.
Hibbert thought to himself, "Would D West still give me a fist bump if he knew I was wearing my girl's undies?" Hibbert smiled before he answered his own question. "We will never know because the secret is well hidden and no one will ever find out." Hibbert had another smile on his face when the following thought crossed his mind. "That's not entirely true, someone is going to find out. As soon as I get home I am going to find out who it was that packed my bag and this person is definitely going to hear about it!"
He got back up because he needed to finish getting dressed and make it to the interview room in time. But getting up made him realize the following, "Damn these undies are way tight on my big ass. Not much room for blood circulation in my needer regions at the moment."
I think I might have to take a moment now to clarify what kinda underwear he is wearing. I intentionally waited for a moment because I thought I'd give you readers a chance to create some creative mental pictures for yourselves. If any of you pictured him wearing a g-string or anything see-throughish you were mistaken but you were not wrong at the same time. Because after all that makes for a funny picture. The fact is Roy's lady likes to wear boy shorts, yep she's one of those girls. Not to say anything bad about it, I kinda like seeing my girl wear those myself.
But back to Roy Hibbert in his girl's undies. The problem for him was that these undies were way tight. What you have to understand is, if you are 7'2 your ass is most likely ginormous.
I myself am 6'5 and I am skinny, but if a girl who is a little over 5 feet with a bit of a butt on her would try on my pants she'd have an easy time fitting in my pants width wise. See I am skinny for a tall guy, I would have been ripped if I was just over 5 feet. If that makes sense.
So now you know Hibbert is really stretching these here undies. His girl's got some booty, but nothing like this. Some of the thread on these undies are experiencing the same thing as some serious villains did when they get convicted of some crime back in the day. Cause they'd punish them by tying a horse to each limb and then hitting the horses asses with a whip to make them run all four opposite directions. I might have been able to find a gentler metaphor but that one was calling me for some reason.
I hope everyone is more understanding now of some of the things Roy Hibbert said during the interview. Not to say we should agree with him, I am just saying we should understand it came out the way it did. The blood-circulation got so tight down there after sitting down for so long it all started rushing to his head and everything got a little over heated for no good reason.
But that is all just an introduction for what is to come this year. This is what my crystal ball has to say.
After the second Pacers home game during the eastern conference finals Roy Hibbert is about to lay out his clothes all well organized before he goes and takes his shower. He opens his bag and says, "What the …?" David West responds, "Harumph." Like a Bear would. But when he looks over to what is going on for Hibbert he discovers what is in the bag. He mumbles between the lips, "That's a lot of ladies wear." David just whispered it really, there was out loud music playing and the other players were all being boisterous and noisy because they just won another game. Non the less all the players pick up what is going on real fast and are hovering over this bag in just a mater of seconds.
Hibbert is trying to claim his space but no one was having it. Even when David West is claiming his space back no one is having it or even making a slight adjustment to give him some space. All the other players are too eager to see what kinda underwear there is in this bag. And I might as well say there is no boy shorts to be found in this bag, I'll say that much. Also you'll be surprised to find out it takes an awful amount of lingerie to fill up a bag of this size. They use so little fabric for lingerie these days you'd think they do it to save the environment by not waiting anymore fabric?
Some of the younger players are not concerned with any of that and they are already starting to go through the bag to see what all is in there. All the lingerie still has tags on there so it is obvious these have just been bought and no one has ever wore them. Whether this could have held him back from doing so or not we will never know, but Lance Stephenson grabs one of the g-string pieces and puts it on Scola's head before he adds, "Wear that for the next game and your long hair won't get in the way so much." Scola might be from Argentina which has a totally different culture but even so, he immediately takes of the g-string.
The rest of the team does not pay too much attention to what Lance does to Louis Scola because everyone is too preoccupied with the new found lingerie collection. Everyone is cracking jokes and off course especially towards Roy himself. Even the coaches come over to check out the situation. Coach Vogel keeps saying, "Let's wrap it up you guys and go back to your own locker!" But he keeps staying there like everyone else, he is still trying to get closer and get a better look at what the next piece of fine lingerie that gets pulled out of the bag looks like.
But then Orlando Johnson fishes up something different from the bottom of the bag. He holds it up and says, "Look what I found." He does not hold it up for too long because Roy Hibbert snatches it from his hands. Roy Hibbert is in damage control mode.
There are times in our daily lives where it is to your advantage to be tall. This was one of them. Roy senses Ian Mahinmi behind his left shoulder so he turns a little the other way and holds the note up high and at such an angle that no one can read it. Everyone is trying to see, but no chance. All they can do is yell, "What does it say? Come on man what does it say?" Hibbert has forgotten one thing though, an other 7 footer has joined the team by the name of Andrew Bynum. Andrew has the perfect angle from behind Hibbert's right shoulder and can read it al very clearly, and has no hesitation about sharing this new found information. "Guess what, its payback time! April fools my love! "
Everyone starts laughing. Hibbert's girl is well liked by all the other players but now that she pulled this of it makes her only more popular. Yet, non the less all the players are begging Hibbert for details on what he did to her April 1st that requires this kind of pay-back. Roy Hibbert refuses to share any of it. I want to share the info with you myself but unfortunately it involves nudity, PG13 and some mail. My first disclaimer is that the PG13 stands for parental advisory and not for a rising NBA star. And the 2nd disclaimer is the nudity does not involve Roy Hibbert or his girlfriend. But that's all I can say, I'm sorry.
Let me tell you an other thing about me. I don't have a strong back bone. I never have and I can't foresee that I ever will. Having said that will I now tell you what will happen on April 1st this year at the Hibbert household. But don't tell Hibbert yet because he has not even thought of this devious plan himself yet. And we don't want to take the opportunity away from him where he say to himself I am a genius after he figures out this plan. I only know it because I can look into the future that's why you are lucky enough to find out before he does.
So anyway, on April 1st 2014 less then 2 moths away from now, Roy Hibbert will unfold a cunning plan. Roy and his girl both love to dance so they do little dance offs in the living room together. This time he'll have a surprise planned for her she will never expect or forget. Roy cranks the volume up a bit and calls his girl in to dance with him. But just as he is about to unfold his well planned out joke the doorbell rings. He'll ask his girl to answer the door because this is his favorite song. She'll oblige and go open the door. It will be the mailman and he has something for her to sign. Roy's girl quickly will give it a scribble and close the door again. But before it totally shuts she will notice the mailman busting a move. She will give a quick laugh and look back to get Roy's attention. Roy's big hand is gonna go up and start waving him in, "Come dance with us brother." He is indeed a brother, and this brother has always loved to bring it on the dance floor. He will put his mail bag down and start dancing. Because the mailman is right next to Big Roy's girl the two of them will kinda start dancing together. Nothing to close or anything. Come on, they have only just met and the big dog is right there. But non the less the mailman is starting to free up a bit and is really getting his dance on. Roy's girl is encouraging the mailman just like big Roy himself is. But when the mailman starts pulling out his shirt from his pants Roy's girl is getting a little uncomfortable. She is all like, "Ho, ho, let's not go there." But he ain't stopping.
She looks back for some support from Roy, but he's just laughing. No help there. She looks back and sees the mailman pulling his shirt open and the buttons are flying everywhere. It's obvious this is too much for Roy's girl. She feels like walking away from this awkward mailman but she is reluctant because she is worried he'll follow her further into the house. The mailman will get so outrageous it will almost be like how a stripper would get undressed. He tosses his shirt away and next goes the hat. Now he starts unbuckling his belt. Roy's girl reaches over and pleads him to stop. The mailman makes a step towards her and Roy's girl will step two steps back to make sure she keeps him at a safe distance. He will take the belt out and lean forward before he will slap himself on the ass with the belt, twice. He quickly leans all the way forward to take his shoes and socks of. In the meantime Roy's girl is begging this guy to get dressed again. The mailman is now ready to take his pants of. He will be dancing towards her and she feels there is no other way out then to turn around and cover her eyes. This will only keep her safe for a second the mailman is already moving around her and pulling on one of her wrists so her hand can no longer cover that eye. She does not want to look but she can't help herself. She has to at least check him out a little bit, this guy is in good shape after all. He is in nothing but a shinny gold swim trunk now. But what is that written on the swim trunks in black letters. She drops both her hands now to be able to read more clearly. "APRIL FOOLS" Her jaw drops and she looks over at big Roy to see if he knows anything about this. At first she can't find him, but then she'll notice he is on the floor behind the couch laughing himself into stitches. She no longer cares about the mailman because she knows she's been had. She pushes him over and runs over to where Roy Hibbert is having a mighty good time laughing and she plans to put a stop to it. She's yelling, "You are done for, I'm gonna kill ya." And she is hitting him on the shoulder. But nothing too serious you know the type of hitting women do sometimes when you joke around with them? It is the one that feels more like a compliment when they punch you on the shoulder like that.
Roy in his defense tells her in between giggles, "Did you even check to see what you signed for? Really I'm not that bad of a guy as you think right now." She will calm down and look at the mail she signed and was still in her hand. She will open the envelope and inside she will find an invitation to her favorite restaurant which happens to be chines food. As she is reading it Roy will add to it the following, "I rented the whole place out so it can be just you and me and a ton of candle lights." His girl will drop her shoulders and say, "Ohhhwww." and throw herself onto big Roy and started kissing him.